The details of R Kelly’s alleged “sex cult” bears certain external similarities to the trappings of a consensual D/s relationship. However, strict protocols do not a D/s relationship make. Even if, for the sake of argument, R Kelly’s actions did fall under the rubric of kinky play, his actions would still be problematic and abusive
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Expounding on beloved fictional characters’ sex lives and relationships. And what lessons/cautionary tales can be gleaned from those pairings.
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The Stanford sexual assault case is heartbreaking, and many people are angered by the judge’s leniency on the perpetrator. The Internet is out for blood. I’m not. But I’m still angry, and want to channel that anger into something less corrosive.
Read MoreThank you again to the organizers at CatalystCon for inviting me to speak. It was truly a privilege to have been part of this event. I truly appreciated the opportunity to connect and learn from so many amazing activists, clinicians and educators. For those of you who could not make it to CatalystCon, I am posting the Storify of the class’...
Read MoreSo, in my Breaking Silence talk, I ask the audience what they think is one of the worst things you can say to someone experiencing abuse. The answer is “You have to leave!” Because in stripping a survivor of the ability to make their own choices, you’re essentially re-victimizing them. Also, one of the most dangerous and unpredictable...
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It has been just over a year since I started this blog. Amazing how quickly the time has gone. When I began this blog, I set out to create a space where I could work out my thoughts, tackle some hot button issues, and hopefully providing a unique perspective on kink, sexuality and abuse. I like to think I’m doing an ok job thus far. A lot of very...
Read MoreAs part of my research for my Breaking Silence Class, I came across two resources that seemed very promising. The first is INCITE’s resources for community organizing and violence prevention. INCITE is an organization of women, gender non-conforming, and trans* people of color who are working to prevent violence in their communities. I haven’t...
Read MoreMany months ago, I was contacted by an individual who was in a domestic violence situation. The situation was complicated by the fact that the abusive relationship was within the context of a polyamorous dynamic. This case was a very important reminder to me that being involved in polyamory or any form of consensual non-monogamy does not necessarily...
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The more time I spend on social media, the more I wish more people understood Brene Brown’s findings on shame and blame. I’ll let her explain. Lena Dunham is popping up quite a bit on my social media pages. She has apparently been accused of shamelessly describing molesting her sister in her newest book. She is one of many public figures who are being...
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Update: I wrote an addendum to this post, which can be found here. Generally speaking, I like to consider myself more open minded than your average bear. I am also not opposed to the notion that not all people respond well to traditional therapeutic methods, and can find healing by other means. And then I read articles about stuff like this… The service in...
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Last night, a friend of mine forwarded this article to me about the Rice domestic violence scandal. While, as a white female, I do not fall anywhere near his target audience (black men), I found a lot to relate to in his article. As the author very astutely points out, the excuses for Rice coming from black men bear a frightening resemblance to those that...
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In one of my more masochistic moments, I made the mistake of reading up on the world of pickup artists (PUAs) and related online communities. Two sites in particular caught me like a deer in headlights: a reddit post about using operant conditioning to “train” women, and the blog of pickup artist RooshV, whose views on women and relationships...
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Recently, I was talking with my DV friend about a betrayal that I had experienced. “Wow. What a sleaze.” Was my friend’s comment about the person responsible for said betrayal. “Wait… I thought it was important to separate people from behavior.” Was my rather snarky reply. “Oh, I’m sorry. What a guy who...
Read MoreEDIT Kate posted a comment about my blog on Facebook, which I think needs to be added to this conversation. She called me out on a very important point. It really is a community’s responsibility to build and enforce safe containers. It should not fall solely on the shoulders of the accusers/victims. Thank you, Kate, for correcting me. I wish instead...
Read MoreAbout a week or so ago (my perception of time is occasionally squishy), I was talking with a friend of mine over coffee. As she is a fellow sex nerd, and someone whose opinions I trust about such things, I was bouncing ideas off of her not just for this blog, but for the courses I’m putting together on healthy vs. abusive kink. I am blessed to...
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