The details of R Kelly’s alleged “sex cult” bears certain external similarities to the trappings of a consensual D/s relationship. However, strict protocols do not a D/s relationship make. Even if, for the sake of argument, R Kelly’s actions did fall under the rubric of kinky play, his actions would still be problematic and abusive
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Today I bring you the seventh and penultimate installment of my Sound Relationship Dungeon Series: Making Life Dreams Come True. The Gottmans Describe this level of the relationship house as an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations. In most healthy relationships, there is a space...
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Today’s installment of the Sound Relationship Dungeon is all about managing conflict. Whenever we make the choice to connect or share intimacy with another human being, we run the risk of hurting someone and being hurt. It’s part of the whole “being human” thing. No ones’ feelings, core values, and perspectives ever match 100%...
Read MoreBack in August, I wrote a post on kink and healing trauma. In this post, I asked people to share their stories. Anyway, this past week, I received a comment from that feedback by Angger Schweinsteiger. It looks like Annger posted both a comment and a reply from a different post. Negative comments were referenced, and no one made negative comments on my...
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Whenever healthy kink is discussed or explained to people outside the “lifestyle,” the primary focus is on consent. According to prevailing wisdom, so long as everyone involved is a functioning adult, and all parties consent, everything is kosher. While consent is super important, it is not the only characteristic of healthy kink. Necessary but...
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What is the difference between healthy and abusive kink? How can a therapist working with kinky clients assess the health of such relationships without over or under-reacting? How can kinky folk start talking about these issues without demonizing each other or sweeping problematic behaviors under the rug? These are the questions that led to the creation of...
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This past weekend, I had the privilege of presenting at Wicked Women, where I taught my healthy vs. abusive kink class and the workshop I developed with Kamela Dolinova on creative negotiation and embodied consent. One of the many things I love about teaching workshops is that I come away having learned as much, of not more than those taking my workshops....
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Anna Deavere Smith once said that people talk in “organic poems.” And she could not be more right. One of my primary sources for self care is partner dance, and as of late, Argentine tango has been my dance du jour. Incidentally, educator and presenter Lord Ramirez teaches a class on the D/s of Argentine tango. The inherent power exchange of...
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In one of my more masochistic moments, I made the mistake of reading up on the world of pickup artists (PUAs) and related online communities. Two sites in particular caught me like a deer in headlights: a reddit post about using operant conditioning to “train” women, and the blog of pickup artist RooshV, whose views on women and relationships...
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Recently, I was talking with my DV friend about a betrayal that I had experienced. “Wow. What a sleaze.” Was my friend’s comment about the person responsible for said betrayal. “Wait… I thought it was important to separate people from behavior.” Was my rather snarky reply. “Oh, I’m sorry. What a guy who...
Read MoreAbout a week or so ago (my perception of time is occasionally squishy), I was talking with a friend of mine over coffee. As she is a fellow sex nerd, and someone whose opinions I trust about such things, I was bouncing ideas off of her not just for this blog, but for the courses I’m putting together on healthy vs. abusive kink. I am blessed to...
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