On the recent disclosures of abuse in the community and the transformative justice process that I am a part of.
Read MoreWe Need to Talk About R Kelly
The details of R Kelly’s alleged “sex cult” bears certain external similarities to the trappings of a consensual D/s relationship. However, strict protocols do not a D/s relationship make. Even if, for the sake of argument, R Kelly’s actions did fall under the rubric of kinky play, his actions would still be problematic and abusive
Read MoreFictional Sex
Expounding on beloved fictional characters’ sex lives and relationships. And what lessons/cautionary tales can be gleaned from those pairings.
Read MoreShibari Appropriation Redux
As I had hoped, my last post on Shibari and Appropriation generated some really interesting and important feedback. Some people identified some perceived blind spots in my post, as well as aspects of this issue that went unaddressed or under-addressed. A few people noted, and rightly so, was that the issue was not about cultural appropriation, but rather...
Read MoreShibari and cultural appropriation
Is Shibari cultural appropriation? The answer is complicated.
Read MoreEt Tu, Gottman?
So, I was getting ready to finally get off my tail and write my last Sound Relationship Dungeon entry, when a dear friend messaged me on Facebook Chat. He said: Aww, man! Gottman is hating on porn. He also linked to this open letter from Gottman’s blog. Gottman writes: With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to...
Read MoreTrigger warnings revisited
A while ago, I wrote a post about my issues with trigger warnings. In short, I wasn’t against them, but wary of how they could be used. Recently, I’ve had some conversations that have shifted my stance. When I wrote the post, I made a common, but inaccurate assumption: a trigger warning’s purpose is to shield people from challenging...
Read MoreAccountability in Kink Communities
I initially posted this along with my CatalystCon Live tweets. However, on further reflection, I decided it warranted its own post. In addition to my talk, there was also a panel at CatalystCon on addressing abuse in alternative relationships. Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly published her roundup of that conversation here. I was glad to see other people...
Read MoreCatalystCon Musings
Thank you again to the organizers at CatalystCon for inviting me to speak. It was truly a privilege to have been part of this event. I truly appreciated the opportunity to connect and learn from so many amazing activists, clinicians and educators. For those of you who could not make it to CatalystCon, I am posting the Storify of the class’...
Read MoreTroubleshooting Power Exchange Annotated
For those of you who missed it, here is a link to the webinar I gave last month on Troubleshooting Power Exchange. I’m really glad I had the opportunity to teach this class. I’m grateful to Jen, Dr. Bob, and Ava Durga of Creative Sexuality for inviting me to speak. I’ve been processing that webinar, and how it went, though I have yet to...
Read MoreLessons in Abuse Response
So, in my Breaking Silence talk, I ask the audience what they think is one of the worst things you can say to someone experiencing abuse. The answer is “You have to leave!” Because in stripping a survivor of the ability to make their own choices, you’re essentially re-victimizing them. Also, one of the most dangerous and unpredictable...
Read MoreWoodhull Debrief
I am decompressing from an amazing and inspiring weekend at the Woodhull Sexual Summit. I am filled with gratitude to have been among the amazing speakers and professionals who are doing important work in the field of sexuality. I am still processing the event, and probably will be for the next few weeks. Many powerful conversations were had about sex...
Read MoreThe Sound Relationship Dungeon Part 7: Life Dreams
Today I bring you the seventh and penultimate installment of my Sound Relationship Dungeon Series: Making Life Dreams Come True. The Gottmans Describe this level of the relationship house as an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations. In most healthy relationships, there is a space...
Read MoreThe Oppression that Wasn’t There
The Rachel Dolezal story has a lot of people shaking their heads. I’ll let Jon Stewart explain: http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/9pxi9w/whaaaaaaat—–black-ish-ish In the wake of this story breaking, pundits and bloggers of all political stripes have compared this story to Caitlyn Jenner’s coming out as trans. The term...
Read MoreAASECT Debrief
As I decompress from my weekend at AASECT, I find myself faced with an interesting yes/and moment. This past weekend was a transformational experience for me, both personally and professionally. At the same time, concerns have been raised about AASECT’s commitment not only to diversity, but fostering an environment that is open and welcoming to...
Read MoreCreative Commons
Safety Beyond Safewords is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.